Good football jokes

1st joke
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barteIt's a whisky for me, and a whisky for himnder.
The robot pours him the perfect pint, and then asks him, "What's your
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation
about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality,
biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot so he walks out of the bar, turns around,
and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared drink and asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
rugby, supermodels, favourite foods, guns, and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your
The man replies, "Er, 15, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly,
"So............... who do you think Alex Ferguson will buy in the summer? "

2nd joke

steve bruce signs a new superkid from foreign parts. on the first day of training. steve bruce gets a ball a says "you get this and kick it at the goal" the new superkid looks a bit bewildered but carries on nonetheless. next day of training same thing steve bruce says "you get this and score a goal". again the kid looks bewildered but carries on. third day same thing "you get this and score a goal". finally the foreign superkid gets up and says "boss i speak a very good english and know what to do". steve bruce says "sit down son im talking to Heskey"!

Emile Heskey

3rd joke

At a recent Liverpool v Everton derby, Rafa Benitez goes into the Liverpool changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Everton but we can't be bothered, we always beat them". Rafa looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

Mr. Fernando Torres

So Rafa goes out to play the reds by himself and the rest of the Liverpool team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Liverpool 1 - Everton 0 (Benitez 10 minutes)". He is beating the Everton all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Anfield "Liverpool 1 (Benitez 10 minutes) - Everton 1 (Cahill 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handily got a draw!! They rush back to Anfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

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